I had the most fucked up dream that Tony was in rehab. I went to go vist him and his face was all fucked up and bleeding. He was crying and telling me I had to stay. I dont even know how describe it. It was fucking weird.

Another intresting side note. Awhile back I was invited to go out to some area near lake tahoe and party this exact day with a pretty awesome person. You know I wish I could be there, but I guess twas not meant to be. Marias grandpa passed on to the other galaxy (RIP) obstructing her ability to get time off work, and I finally got work which interrferred of course with not working. So instead im sitting at home with a sick puppy, who literally just about 5 moments ago projectial vomited onto my living room floor. Its not funny, but it was.
I could have skipped work altogether, but that would have fucked over my whole moving deal, and as amazing as it could have been I need to get the hell out of this house. I would have given everything listed out of that alloy magizine to be there but roll with the punches right?
Man bitch bitch bitch, thats all ive done in this thing, but whats the use of an internet journal if you cant bitch about all the lame stuff that bothers you right? GEEEZZ im bored. I think im going to go beat some pavement with my awesomely awesome SKETCHERZ. haha

Me " Do you like my shoes"
Alex " Umm.. yea.."
Me " There sketchers, with the s"
Alex " Yea there cool"
Me " Really, You think so?"
Alex " Yea"
Me " cause I dont even really like them, there my gym shoes, but thanks "
Alex "...."

After 3 days of resistance, I gave in. I walked out to my mailbox and pulled out the Alloy magizine that had been taunting me to open it. I flipped through the pages admiring clothes that I swear had been made with me in mind. Clothes are something I love deeply. I enjoy purchasing them in store, online, mail order, etc. I dont limit myself to just clothing of course, theres Shoes, neckleces, earings, belts and so much more. It was hard to be honest with myself and admit that I could not afford these things. I so much wanted to forget about my ultimate goal and dip into that account I have set aside for my education.
I think desire is like life. Everyone has diffrent wants and the taste varies but in general were all experiancing the same thing. To me desire physcially feels like somone has kicked me in the chest toe first. Similar to swallowing a brick and it getting caught behind my sternum. It is a feeling that when unfilled bothers the fuck out of me. So I did something weird that almost helped.
I whipped out a scissors, a gluestick and an empty notebook. I cut out pictures of everything that I wanted, or even thought that I could possibly want at some point. I glued them into the notebook piece by piece.
The star smattered skimmers, A beautiful pair of red ricci pumps, Victoria secret pantie set, 2 adorable elbow sleeved hoodies, a vintage style pepsi t shirt, canvas prison issue sneakers (that i have wanted for the past 6 months), a skull cami that would match perfectly with the dark denim mini skirt, jettsetter necklece, and the patent leather candy wedges.
These and so much more disappered off the pages of the magazine and were slapped into my new notebook filled with wants. Did it satisfy me? Not entirely, but i felt somewhat accomplished.
I know that this is taking materialism to a new level, but its the truth. I cant control it. I am human, and I want things that I do not need. I am female, and even though Im a bit tomboyish I still enjoy spending money and looking fabulous. Is it a compulsion? Probably, I wish they could diagnose it as something uncontrollable so Id have an excuse as to why im 2,000 dollars in debt, but my condition has never been evaluated except by my mother who is usually standing nearby encouraging it.(I wonder where I get it)
Im sure in a couple hours ill find something else to focus thats not as expensive. Lets hope so itleast.

Life is most satisfying when you get what you want. Sometimes in order to get what you want you need to make a decision. That decision being, no matter how ridiculous or stupid it is, your going to do whatever it takes to reach your goal.

Thats exactly what I was thinking last night when I got in my car and started driving to IOWA to get a sonic fruit slush at 1am.

6 hrs later I was slumbering in the back seat of my car, smiling to myself, while slushie sloshed around in my stomach. I came to the realization that I can get anything I want in life if I want it badly enough. (except maybe telekentic powers, and a pet teradactale)

The VISA commericals do not lie, sometimes life takes spontaneity. It was a beautiful moment.

I want to see the world. I'd really like to ride on a train. Not a light rail. An authentic old school train. I'll have to investigate further into this idea.

I frequent the grocery store. I do this to buy groceries. (Just to be clear) While buying my apples and assorted vegetables the other day I noticed the headlines of most tabloids were buzzing about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Apparently the public thinks that Mr.Cruise has taken Katie Holmes and their newborn child Suri captive. Theres even a line of apparel titled "Free Katie" which is a movement to liberate the young actress. The line states that shes a "young gifted actress being kept away by forces they may never understand"
Well let me tell you, I UNDERSTAND. This is a classic case of short man complex. Im sure if someone just handed Tom cruise a steady set of stilts everything would work itself out. The long awaited revealing of Suri would take place, and we could all live happily again. We'd be back in front of our TV sets, popping prozac, brainlessly oggling our celebrities, just like the good old days when the only thing we had to worry about were minor things like say.. global warming.